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God Shaped Hole

June 11, 2009

According to my last Doctor’s Appointment (last Monday, June 1st), I am 5 feet 8 inches tall, and weigh 183 pounds.  Now, the height came as no great shock.  Afterall, I’ve been tall my whole adult life.  But the number on the scale?  Can I just say, “YIKES!”  And if I go by Weight Watchers guidelines, I should be 165 pounds at most.  This means, I am 18 pounds heavier than my “suggested” heaviest weight!  *Insert lots of whimpering here*  

How did this happen?!  I look at myself in the mirror and think, “When did you decide to let yourself go?”  Because if I’m honest (and I try really hard to be), somewhere along the way, I made a choice. I made the choice that food, not God, would be my companion.  My “hole filler-upper.”   When I am sad, I eat.  When I am lonely (which is often, despite the StudMuffin, 4 kids, 1 cat & 1 dog), I eat.  I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I watch t.v., I eat when I’m on Facebook, I even eat when I’m reading, content to ignore the whole, holding-your-book-open-with-one-hand-and-turning-the page-with-the-“food-hand”-awkwardness.  When I think about how often I eat and how little I exercise, I’m amazed I’m not twice the size I am now!  

I love the song that goes, “There’s a God-shaped hole in all of us, and the restless soul is searching…”  It reminds me that the void I am trying to fill with food, books, friends, and every other kind of distraction, will not satisfy the yearning in my heart.  The temporal things of this life are just that.  Temporary.  Only God is eternal.  Only He can satisfy all the longings of my soul, because He knows even better than I, what I need.  He knows me intimately.  My every thought, fear, anxiety, and worry is known wholly to Him, and yet I turn away from Him. I turn away from the only one who has all the answers to all my questions.  The only one who can calm every fear, anxiety, and worry.  I turn away from the only one who sent His only Son to die in my place.  And He died, so I could enjoy fellowship with the very One I continue to turn away from.  The irony is not lost on me.  

I have my theories as to why I continue to turn from my Savior, but that would be a whole other blog, and I am struggling to stay awake as it is.  But in essence, it’s because I don’t trust Him.  Ummm…  Did I just say that out loud?  Yep.  Yep.  I just backtracked, and I did just say that out loud.  Here’s another doozy:  I don’t trust His love for me.  I don’t trust that He knows what is best for me, and I exhibit that distrust, by refusing to give Him full control of my life.  I am much more comfortable with the illusion that I am in control of my life.  Okay… You can stop laughing now.  Seriously.  You’re not helping!   

While I know intellectually that God is completely trustworthy, I have a hard time transferring that head-knowledge into heart-knowledge.  In short, I’m having “transference issues.”   This is NOT God’s fault though.  His word clearly tells us, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come into him and will dine with him, and he with Me.”  This presents such a beautiful picture of God’s patience, abiding love, and ultimately, His longing for fellowship with us.  He does not pound on the door and demand entrance.  He does not kick the door down, and lay into me for not answering when He called.  He doesn’t even pull the “God-card,” which is quite within His right as “Master of the Universe.”  He simply knocks and calls my name.  The rest is up to me.

Until next time…

-M

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 11, 2009 3:56 pm

    Hey you. I am glad that our journeys have crossed paths at so many similar “points of interest”. I love you.

  2. michellenotwithstanding permalink*
    June 11, 2009 4:32 pm

    Ditto. To all of it.

  3. Sarah Awu permalink
    July 7, 2009 12:52 pm

    It seems to me that we will never be filled this side of heaven….

    Hm, you are far away Michelle. Blogs are great but they don’t “win” the real thing. I miss you.

    Sarah Awu

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