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Are You There God? It’s Me, Michelle

June 28, 2009

Today I have been asking God the ultimate question.  I’m sure you know the one I’m talking about.  It goes something like this, “Ummm… Hello?  God? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!”   This question is generally provoked by at least one of my four children.  For the life of me, I can’t understand why God would purposely place the lives of 4 innocent children into the hands of a highly sensitive, obsessive compulsive, perfectionist with severe clinical depression.  I honestly don’t get it.  Most days, I feel like I’m just flying by the seat of  my pants, and have absolutely NO idea how to raise healthy, well-balanced people.  And I desperately want my children to be healthy.  Because one of my biggest fears is failing my children, which ultimately, means failing God.

Sometimes I even feel like I’m living someone else’s life.  That somehow, someway, I got June Cleaver’s life, when I’m really Peggy Bundy.  That this life I’m leading, is literally sucking the life right out of me. That I should be doing something more with this life that God gave me. That I should somehow be more.

It’s hard to admit this, but sometimes I really resent being a wife and mother.  And sometimes, I feel so trapped in my life, I can scarcely breathe.  Do you see?  This is why I shout at God, “What.  Were. You. THINKING?!!”  If I had a flair for the dramatic, this is where I would tear my robe, wrap myself in sackcloth, beat my chest, and rub ashes into my head.  Gotta hand it to those Old Testament dudes.  They really knew how to get God’s attention.

Until next time…

-M

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. mystormysea permalink
    June 28, 2009 6:35 am

    Oh my goodness, I feel the exact same way, but almost never have the courage to verbalize it! You are not alone my dear, you are not alone. Please feel free to contact me if you want or need someone to talk to!

    • michellenotwithstanding permalink*
      June 28, 2009 7:12 am

      Stormy-

      Thank you SO much for taking the time to validate something I have only just begun to broach. Your encouragement is appreciated more than you know! I hope you will come back and visit me often. It is a wonderful thing to know, that we are not alone.

      Wishing you joy,
      -M

  2. June 28, 2009 4:36 pm

    “And sometimes, I feel so trapped in my life, I can scarcely breathe.”

    Me too. And I only have the one kid.
    Sigh. Thank God it’s only for a season.
    Albeit a very loooooooooooooooooong season.
    I love you. Thank you for your rawness and your honesty here.

    • michellenotwithstanding permalink*
      June 28, 2009 7:19 pm

      Jill- I love you too. Thank you for being my friend. =)

  3. Sarah Awu permalink
    July 7, 2009 12:39 pm

    Sounds like you are enjoying yourself as much as you ever were (just teasing).

    Did something specific happen or was this just a culmination of several days or weeks?

    Wondering how you are today.

    T’amie,
    Sarah Awu

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