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September 10, 2009

Anxiety.  There is nothing else like it.  That ball of twirling, swirling agitation right beneath the breastbone.  Heart twisting.  Heart grieving.  Heart crying out for relief.  That is me in a nutshell lately.  A swirling, twirling, twisting ball of emotion stuck in my gut, like so much indigestion.  The why of it though, is a seemingly fathomless thing to grab hold of.  I can’t for the life of  me, find its source.  And for someone who is perpetually driven by all the many why’s in life, you can imagine my frustration.

I started a kind of mental checklist, to try and pinpoint where my anxiety might be coming from, but to no avail.  Family whole and healthy?  Check.  Marriage whole and healthy?  Check. Mortgage current? Check.  Bills current?  Check.  Working on my relationship with God?  Check.  And reading back over my checklist just now, I am more than a little ashamed that I put my relationship with God last.  That is more than likely, a huge part of the equation in what is wrong with my life in general, and this growing knot of anxiety, specifically.  I’m almost amazed at all the little ways I don’t allow God into my everyday life.  How I allow Him access during the huge, gut-wrenching times in life, but keep Him at a distance when my life is moving right along without the least little hitch in its giddy-up.  When will I learn that God is not satisfied with only part of me?  He wants all of me.  All the time.  Every day.  And the beauty of it is, when I have given everything I can possibly give, He will fill me back up to overflowing.

Until next time,


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