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I Feel Friggin’tastic!

January 27, 2010

I went 5 point-some-odd-miles on the stationary bike today.  The endorphins are dancin’, and I feel friggin’tastic!  And let me tell you.  For someone who struggles with depression on a fairly regular basis, I can’t even begin to tell you what it means to feel friggin’tastic. But, I will try.

A day in the life of Me:

7:00 a.m.–  It’s time to get up, get dressed, & start my day.  Whether or not I do this simple routine, will determine whether or not I have a crappy day.  Crappy day = VERY unfriggin’tastic.

8:00 a.m.–  3 older kids are all in school, I am home with Jude trying to decide what to do with my day.  I am not very organized.  Strike that.  I am NOT organized.  At all.  Period.

9:00 a.m.–  If it is a Tuesday or Thursday, I am contemplating the wonderful prospect of hanging out with my awesome friend, Jill and debating what kind of delightful mischief we will get ourselves into. This makes me happy.  Unless Jude or Eves is sick.  In that case, we can’t play and get into delightful mischief.  In that case, I am sad.  Sad, blows.  Very unfriggin’tastic.

10:00 a.m.-2:00 p.m.–  If it is play day, then Jill and I are getting into all sorts of delightful mischief until it is time for me to start picking up kids.  If it is regular, boring, non-mischief day, then I am dragging myself out the door in my sweats, with my Irish hat, on my head.  This is not to say that I can’t have a great day without Jill.  I can.  And even though Jill is awesome, I also think that accomplishing a goal I have set for myself, is pretty awesome too (this in NO way, detracts from the awesomeness that is, Jill!).  Jill.  Do you think it’s cause we’re awesome?  I think it’s cause we’re awesome!  ;)

3:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.–  This is probably the most hectic time of the day.  All of the kids are home, we are doing homework, studying for tests, having snacks, I’m preparing dinner (if I remembered to take something out of the freezer), getting an hour in at the gym, eating dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, getting kids in the shower, getting kids into bed, singing and praying, and finally, it’s quality time with StudMuffin.

All-in-all, I have a pretty fantastic life.  And I know it.  But the thing about depression is, it robs you of the most basic and essential joys in life.  Like, laughing with your children.  My oldest son once asked me a profound and heartbreaking question.  It went something like this,  “Mom?  How come you never laugh?”  My first reaction was, “Of course I laugh.”  But he only shook his head and said, “No you don’t.”  Do I have to tell you, dear readers, how it broke my heart to hear those words from my beloved child’s mouth?  To know, that in his eyes, I am the mom who never laughs?

Proverbs 17:22 tells us, “A merry heart does good like a medicine; but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”  I know this to be true.  When depression overtakes me, I feel it to the very marrow of my bones. They feel old, and brittle.  I feel old, and brittle.  And here’s the thing.  I don’t want to be old and brittle anymore.  I don’t want my children to grow up with a mother who never laughs.  I want to feel life, coursing through my veins, and laughter bubbling up inside of me.  I want to own that joy.  Not just today.  But everyday.  I want that for my children.  I want that for my husband.  I want that for myself.

And that’s why I kick my butt to the gym everyday.  I am determined to own the joy.  And if for now, joy comes in the form of dancing endorphins brought on by the treadmill, the stationary bike, or the elliptical machine, then that’s what I’m going to do.  Because, I want to laugh with my children.  Because, I think that will be the personification of friggin’tastic!

Until next time,

-M

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One Comment leave one →
  1. bethhiett permalink
    February 1, 2010 4:49 am

    Dear heart…I know where you’re comin’ from.

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